Two boys ran to the door of the library and looked in to see which teacher was on duty.
One says to the other, “Ohhhh rats, it’s the mean one! She doesn’t let us play games on the computers!”
Both looked at me with a mixture of misery and disgust on their faces, then walked away.
Go me.
A girl just walked into the library and said to her friends’ “I’m not wearing any pants!”
Shocked, one of her friends said, “WHAT!?”
The first girl lifts her dress up, oblivious to everyone else in the library, and says, “Ha ha, I’ve got my bathers on!”
The library was suddenly silent. Nobody wanted to look at her, so they all looked at me instead.
I asked her to put her dress down, and never lift it above her head at school again.
Everyone in the library went back to what they were doing, pretending the whole scene had never happened.
Girl 1 to Girl 2, who has very long, straight hair in a ponytail and no fringe: Did you have a haircut?
Girl 2: [Flipping her ponytail over her shoulder] Yeah, I did.
Girl 3: It actually suits you.
Tonight, an impromptu conversation occurred when a friend messaged me out of the blue.
Friend: Power went out.
Me: That’s no good.
Friend: Pedalling my bike now. LMAO.
Me: Haha. Not sure you meant to message me, though.
Friend: Scared my dog though… Oh. Sorry! Hugs.
Me: No problem, mate. Actually, I think this has been one of my favourite conversations all night.
Friend: hehehehehehehe
Me: Do you mind if I blog it? Names changed, of course.
Friend: Sure thing. Looks like the storm is about to hit here. Gonna be a yuck night for sleep.
Me: Yep.
Friend: It’s still hot out. About 24 outside. It’s horrible.
Me: Yeah, here too.
And that was all. Completely normal.
Today, I developed a new phrase which I think is going to prove very useful for me, if not for anyone else.
The term is laxative proximity.
It describes the phenomenon where the effect of a particular individual’s presence gives one the feeling or mood commonly known as “the sh*ts”.
The higher the laxative proximity (LP), the greater that effect.
Some people can manage to have a powerful LP effect from a considerable distance. All it takes is for someone to mention their name, or they send you a text or email, or they comment on a friend’s Facebook post… and those telltale first sensations of the LP effect kick in.
Others have a more cumulative effect: the more time you spend with them, the worse it gets.
At the same time, some individuals are so toxic, it’s impossible to be completely immune.
Hence, it should be noted that LP has quite a strong residual effect. It can take considerable time for the effect to wear off.
I believe that my observation and definition of LP may just prove to be a significant moment in history.
I Googled the phrase, and it seems that nobody has used the term in this sense on the internet before. There were two or three occurrences that seemed like very poor internet based translation in response to some of the 1,350,000 results (in 0.73 seconds, no less) that suggested various forms and uses of laxatives for physical relief and/or colonic cleansing.
It really does seem as though I have achieved something I’ve often thought I’d like to do: creating a newly-coined phrase of my own.
Gosh, I’m feeling very accomplished for this early on a Friday night.
Today’s offering comes from ‘First Dog on the Moon’ because I am so ashamed of our government on this issue – and many others – I have few things to say about it that can be published.
One day, Australia will have to come to terms with her guilt.
Fabulous advice for absolutely everyone. From “Sass & Balderdash”, a blog I love reading.
As sunny skies and warmer temperatures promise to banish any lingering winter sweaters to the back of the closet, we’ll soon be welcoming the beginning of swimsuit season — which also means it’s only a matter of time before we’re besieged with advice about how to obtain the elusive “beach body.”
You’ll find clues in clever magazine headlines (“Make ‘Em Swoon this June with a Toned Tummy!”) and lurking in every unwelcome pop-up on the Internet, as if attaining this “beach body” is a high-stakes, low-calorie scavenger hunt whose success predicts how much fun you’ll have this summer. One article will guarantee the fat-busting powers of this or that super fruit! An esteemed blogger will extol the virtues of bodyweight exercises! That one famous personal trainer will insist that following his two week plan will whittle the waist of your dreams!
Without disputing the efficacy of any of those methods…
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Some people find waiting for others really annoying. I consider it to be a chance to stop and observe people and the things they do, or think about things, or send a quick update to Facebook or twitter. If there is nothing better to do, I’m quite capable of amusing myself – I am, after all, enormously funny.
This afternoon, for example, I was sitting in the main street of town waiting for my chauffeur (aka husband) to meet me. I smiled at the sight of the man who was standing on a ladder to wash the sign hanging outside the front of his shop, and holding onto that same ladder with his belly over the top of the ladder so that he had both hands free. Now there’s a problem solver! I was tempted to take a photo, but that would identify both the man and his shop, which would be quite politically incorrect of me since I don’t know him at all.
Ten minutes later, because I am so refined and politically correct, I performed my “internal facepalm” (where I am yelling “Oh man!!! Are you serious?” and facepalming quite vigorously on the inside, but remaining calm and collected on the outside as though nothing at all were happening) as the same gentleman wrote advertisements on his shop window for “ART SUPPLY’S” and various other special items.
Then I noticed the sign below the door of a nearby vacant shop. It read “WATCH THE STEP”.
I sat there for 45 minutes, and that step didn’t do a thing. I have to say, that step wasn’t anywhere near as interesting as watching a man hold onto a ladder with his belly.
WordyNerdBird 